All together now – USA! USA! I cried when we landed. And then I cried when I saw our roommate. Then we went to church and I cried and wondered if the man sitting next to me was sort of weirded out. I know there are people who actually go through hard times in their lives – sickness, divorce, poverty, war – so I feel like such a pansy being […]
When I was five, my older brother Chad developed a scheme. It involved me, an imaginary cussword, and a verbal slavery contract. Before I go into detail, I need you to know that my brother grew up to be a normally functioning human (a LOUDLY functioning human, but functioning nonetheless) and even frowns upon modern-day slavery, unlike his 9-year-old self. He has four kids and a wife and a job […]
A few months ago, my ten-year-old nephew (my brother’s son) flew in from Atlanta and spent his spring break with us. I interviewed him… Christina (sitting on my bed with my laptop in my lap): Okay, what was the happiest moment of your life? Ari (sitting beside me, watching me type): When I became a rap sensation! (laughing) No, I’m joking, I’m joking. (still laughing) On my tenth birthday when […]
My cousin Robin was born on the 4th of July. When I was four and she was six, we celebrated her birthday by inviting a bunch of her friends over for a sleepover. That night as everyone was just getting warmed up in her playroom and pulling out Barbies and changing Cabbage Patch Kids’ diapers, Robin announced that it was time for me to go to sleep. I reluctantly climbed […]
My fancy lady interior designer finished my bedroom. It now resembles a swanky hotel room that someone decorated just for me. Before we view the finished product, let’s take a gander at my decorating skills prior to hiring a professional. Here, we have a nice beige/brown/pale yellow/more brown/more beige motif. Oh, and then I threw in a hot pink pillow. “We need something that ‘pops’, right?” I said to Benson. “I think […]
I finally finished my taxes (and by “finished my taxes” I mean I finally finished scanning all of my documents and adding up all my expenses to send to a CPA who is actually going to finish my taxes) and I feel like a new woman. Or like, a lioness. In order for me to continue on with any acts of usefulness on this earth, I had to drum up […]
I have a Filipino brother-in-law, Robert. He’s short and funny and bald and on my first Christmas with Benson’s family I mistook the Filipino brother-in-law for my fiancé and wrapped my arms passionately around his shoulders from behind. After what happened this year though, I think we’re even… It started on December 24th. I awoke with a pesky wheeze in my lung. “My chest! My chest hurts!” I huffed to Benson. […]
My brother just called me from Atlanta. Brother: Hey, what do you and Benson want for Christmas? Me: What! We haven’t exchanged gifts in like five years! Don’t get us anything. What are you even talking about? Brother: Yeah huh! I bought Benson that camping stove that one time! Me: That was over five years ago! You can’t just throw this on me now! We said five years ago that […]
The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a hamburger tattoo. I noticed it last month as she reached for my card and I was like, “Is that a hamburger tattoo!?” “Yeah,” she answered. “It’s for my dog.” “It’s for your dog?” “Yeah, his name’s Cheeseburger.” Correction: The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a cheeseburger tattoo: Maybe I should get […]
For the first thirty-two years of my life, I thought I was a quarter Native American. Actually, for the first fifteen years I thought I was a quarter Indian, but sometime in the nineties it became racist to call it that, so I to switched to Native American. I remember my paternal grandmother wearing her hair in long black braids. She was tall and had high cheekbones and a long nose. […]
Stuff I Talk About 