And the sad part is…I paid twenty bucks to enter this thing, y’all… Day 1: Self-Righteousness I put a sappy post on Facebook about how the children in Rwanda would LOVE to eat a banana and raw almonds for breakfast, so you all better stop complaining, you hear!? Seventy-three likes on my post. Self-righteous feelings swell. I will cut out sugar and gluten and corn and alcohol and red dye […]
My fancy lady interior designer finished my bedroom. It now resembles a swanky hotel room that someone decorated just for me. Before we view the finished product, let’s take a gander at my decorating skills prior to hiring a professional. Here, we have a nice beige/brown/pale yellow/more brown/more beige motif. Oh, and then I threw in a hot pink pillow. “We need something that ‘pops’, right?” I said to Benson. “I think […]
I finally finished my taxes (and by “finished my taxes” I mean I finally finished scanning all of my documents and adding up all my expenses to send to a CPA who is actually going to finish my taxes) and I feel like a new woman. Or like, a lioness. In order for me to continue on with any acts of usefulness on this earth, I had to drum up […]
I used coconut oil instead of hair gel yesterday because some stupid beauty blog told me that the coconut would make my hair beautiful. It didn’t. It looks like I’m wearing Soul Glo. And while right now I really want to sit down and write a blog about my mounting depression concerning the oil in my hair and my worry that I may have permanently stained my pillow… I have to do […]
For the past week, I have spoken to my husband about very little other than the pros and cons of a blue duvet vs. a cream comforter and whether or not we should buy a new dresser. Finally, a few nights ago, he asked… And so, for twelve hours, I kept thinking of amazing decorating ideas to talk to him about, but instead of speaking them aloud, I had to […]
Benson bought a twenty-dollar coffee table off Amazon and sawed the legs down to about a foot each. Last Friday, I hauled the table to his office (he drives a scooter and we decided strapping a coffee table onto the back would prove unwise), and helped him clear off his desk, position the table on top, and then put everything back onto the table. He says sitting is killing America, so now […]
Last night in CrossFit, this happened: We were doing this weightlifting move the coaches call “snatch” and I call “Am I in a Prison Camp?” During the warm-up, the coach told us to pop the weight over our heads to practice. So everyone popped their weight-clad barbells above their heads… Except me. My barbell was like, “No, I’m actually cool here at your sternum. Not going any higher, thank you,” and I […]
You want to know what happens when you cancel your Glamour Magazine subscription after nine years? You get this in the mail: Marketers assume you are now 56 years old and only shop at Chico’s. They even sent me sample articles: Listen people, I know I’m (well, I hope I’m) going to be old one day and prefer wearing pants with elastic waistbands (okay, I prefer those now) and sipping […]
I’m getting mixed signals from Kroger: Speaking of confusion, how do pickles have zero calories? Zero calories? Come on now, Mr. Pickle. You’re not a diet Coke, which leaves me baffled as to how you’ve pulled this off: Speaking of pulling the wool over my eyes, remember the produce police I met a few weeks ago? The one who warns the world against paying for water on your cabbage? So […]
My cleaning lady just called me and in panicked, broken English told me that she forgot to clean the mirror in my half-bath yesterday. Y’all, I’m thinking this means she thinks I’m like a tyrant. Or at best a witch. Anyway, I fired her. Kidding! Okay, but if she did think me a diva, she’s not too far off. You want to know why? Because I’m going to me on […]
Stuff I Talk About 