So like I said, I’ve got the bad nerves. And because the thought of seeking out a black market doctor who will prescribe Quaaludes willy-nilly from his duplex frightens me (parking is always a nightmare at duplexes), I have some other handy tricks at my disposal. First of all, here are some things I do to keep my anxiety at bay in the first place, which apparently don’t work very […]
I’ve got the bad nerves. It started when I no joke went up to my mom and, in distress, asked her, “When I graduate high school and have to give a speech, what am I suppose to say?” My mom sighed and said, “I don’t know, but you might as well start worrying about it now.” I was five. (Turns out, the person who gives the speech is the valedictorian, […]
Benson got an email from work saying they were going to bring in a professional photographer to take everybody’s headshots. “Benson’s a model?” you ask. Nope. He’s an engineer. The night before the pictures, Benson began to prepare. Benson (calling from the bathroom): Time to trim the ol’ eyebrows! (Sound of electric razor heard from bathroom) (Sound of electric razor abruptly stops) Benson (crestfallen): Oh no. Christina (calling from bedroom): What did […]
The YouTube camera crew came back to my bathroom again… And here’s how Kroger lipstick becomes Nordstrom lipstick.
Got ourselves a three-parter, folks! Part 1: The Mess on the Streets A few weeks ago, as my pal Annie and my dog Cowboy and I were out on a walk on the Nicholson Hike and Bike Trail, this lady stops us and starts gushing over Cowboy. And I’m all beaming. And she’s all, “Oh, youah dog looks just like Wot-ah-mess!” Huh? Neither Annie or I could understand her thick […]
Here’s how I do my eye makeup… and offend people. I’m a YouTube star, y’all!
First off, here’s a handy appetizer dish you can bring to a party to ensure everyone will dote on you and claim that you’re clever, and you can be all, “This ole thing? Oh, just an easy recipe! Ha la la!” 1. Chop a pear into thin slices. 2. Smear a glob of spreadable goat cheese or boursin cheese on the pear. 3. Stick an arugula leaf on top of […]
The coaches at my CultFit gym wanted us to submit ideas for new t-shirts. Here’s what I came up with: Speaking of my gym, I won a medal! One of the coaches basically said I was his favorite athlete (I think it’s hilarious when they call us athletes) in the whole gym. So now I make sure to sign up for his classes so that I can lord it over […]
A few years ago Benson and I had an idea. What if we got rid of one of our vehicles and bought a scooter? We’d be a one car family in the city. The only thing hipper would be moving to Harlem and beatboxing in the streets on weekends, I swear. (I cannot tell you the amount of things I’ve/we’ve decided to do solely because they seemed hip: joining a produce […]
I have this thing I do. It’s totally creepy… Since I was, I don’t know, three, it’s taken me about an hour and a half to fall asleep at night. Once when I was five I actually counted to two hundred my head, then slipped out of bed to my parents’ room and woke them up to share the good news. “I just counted to two hundred!” I whispered. But two years ago, this […]
Stuff I Talk About 