Some of you were wondering if Benson still doesn’t love the cat (as chronicled here and here). For the record, he still doesn’t.
I got chased by a pit-bull this morning on my walk. And before you all go writing me and telling me how pit-bulls are just as nice as collies but simply misunderstood, please note that when you’re being chased by one in an alley, you don’t much think about the society’s misgivings on this harmless breed. See, there’s this route I take on my walks sometimes when I don’t want to […]
Every morning when, or before, my alarm goes off, my fine cat Harold marches up the stairs to my bedroom to remind me that he will be requiring a tablespoon of Friskies to start his morning off right, just as he has every single other day of his life for his entire life. He does this by simultaneously circling the bed and making a sound like he is experiencing electric shock […]
I hoisted Cowboy into my car last Friday for a trip to the vet. Poor guy was too weak to jump into the backseat by himself due to 24 hours of explosive poo coming out of his butt. Once there, the vet asked me what I feed him. “Iams,” I answered. “Which one?” she probed. “The one that’s right before the one where you’re about to die. Like the retirement age […]
The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a hamburger tattoo. I noticed it last month as she reached for my card and I was like, “Is that a hamburger tattoo!?” “Yeah,” she answered. “It’s for my dog.” “It’s for your dog?” “Yeah, his name’s Cheeseburger.” Correction: The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a cheeseburger tattoo: Maybe I should get […]
On Saturday I opened my home to thirty precious ladies who all had a common purpose: to mingle, eat cake, rub our pregnant friend’s belly, and then watch her unwrap diapers and onesies. After we’d done all that, we paused to lift up this baby and mother to the Lord. Girl’s gonna need some patience over the next eighteen years and there’s only one place to get it. Before we […]
Whenever anyone wants to tell someone else about something horrible they saw on TV, it always starts with, “I was flipping through the channels…” But when someone wants to talk about something intelligent or super witty they saw on TV, it begins with, “I was watching…” It’s like, “I was just flipping through the channels and I saw this show about girls showing their boobs to strangers…” Oh you’re just […]