Last night in CrossFit, this happened: We were doing this weightlifting move the coaches call “snatch” and I call “Am I in a Prison Camp?” During the warm-up, the coach told us to pop the weight over our heads to practice. So everyone popped their weight-clad barbells above their heads… Except me. My barbell was like, “No, I’m actually cool here at your sternum. Not going any higher, thank you,” and I […]
I hoisted Cowboy into my car last Friday for a trip to the vet. Poor guy was too weak to jump into the backseat by himself due to 24 hours of explosive poo coming out of his butt. Once there, the vet asked me what I feed him. “Iams,” I answered. “Which one?” she probed. “The one that’s right before the one where you’re about to die. Like the retirement age […]
When I was fifteen, I was almost killed by a monster truck named Reptoid at a monster truck rally. I was there with a high school boyfriend we’ll call Hank who had a deep love for large trucks. And since I had a deep love for belonging to cliques, I feigned awe of anything my boyfriends liked back then so that I could sit with their friends at lunch. Therefore, […]
You want to know what happens when you cancel your Glamour Magazine subscription after nine years? You get this in the mail: Marketers assume you are now 56 years old and only shop at Chico’s. They even sent me sample articles: Listen people, I know I’m (well, I hope I’m) going to be old one day and prefer wearing pants with elastic waistbands (okay, I prefer those now) and sipping […]
I have a Filipino brother-in-law, Robert. He’s short and funny and bald and on my first Christmas with Benson’s family I mistook the Filipino brother-in-law for my fiancé and wrapped my arms passionately around his shoulders from behind. After what happened this year though, I think we’re even… It started on December 24th. I awoke with a pesky wheeze in my lung. “My chest! My chest hurts!” I huffed to Benson. […]
My brother just called me from Atlanta. Brother: Hey, what do you and Benson want for Christmas? Me: What! We haven’t exchanged gifts in like five years! Don’t get us anything. What are you even talking about? Brother: Yeah huh! I bought Benson that camping stove that one time! Me: That was over five years ago! You can’t just throw this on me now! We said five years ago that […]
The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a hamburger tattoo. I noticed it last month as she reached for my card and I was like, “Is that a hamburger tattoo!?” “Yeah,” she answered. “It’s for my dog.” “It’s for your dog?” “Yeah, his name’s Cheeseburger.” Correction: The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a cheeseburger tattoo: Maybe I should get […]
