A couple of weeks ago at Kroger, I saw a lady patrolling the produce aisle, warning anyone who dared pick up a peach or head of cauliflower, “Don’t pay for water” while she handed them paper towels. I tried to avoid her eyes as I reached for my kale because I didn’t feel like patting down my vegetables as she was instructing everyone else to do, but she spotted me anyway and waved a paper towel over her head. “Don’t pay for that water!” she said. “They’ll charge you for the weight of the water on your vegetables. Don’t pay for that.”
I ignored the paper towel but smiled at her as I began to sort through the stalks, like saying, “I am just a friendly shopper, not wanting to be bothered.” She then changed her tactic and began coaching me in selecting my kale. “Nah, that’s not a good one. Too yellow,” she said, eyeing my initial choice. “Go to the back. Yeah, that’s a good one.” It made me nervous, like when someone stands behind you when you type and all of a sudden you forget how to type. To appease my new grocery shopping coach, once I found my kale, I kind of shook it to get some of the water off.
“Don’t pay for water,” she said again.
I gave her a half-laugh. Like, Oh, those darn Kroger people! Trying to get us to pay for water! to show her that I was somewhat on her side. “Have a good day,” I told her, walking off, to show her that though I was somewhat on her side I didn’t want to linger and chat about it.
“You’re very welcome,” she replied.
“Uh, okay,” I said, making my way to the mushrooms.
So, I don’t plan on walking through Kroger and bossing people around, but I do have a grocery store tip for you. Whenever something I’m about to buy is on sale, especially if it’s a big sale, I take a picture of the sale price. That way, if it doesn’t ring up as on sale at the register, I can whip out my phone and politely hold it up for the cashier to see. It happened last week, and the cashier told me what a good idea it was that I’d taken a picture. So now I’m all conceited about it. Like, Oh, you don’t know the Kroger Picture Trick?
Not robbing this girl, Mr. Kroger.
Apparently rambling about the goings on of grocery stores is a trait I have inherited. I talked to my dad this weekend. We talk every few months so that he can ask how my husband is doing (seriously, that’s always his first question – Me: “Hey Dad, how are you?” Dad: “Oh, I’m okay. How’s Benson?”). Yesterday he had just gotten back from Sam’s Club when I called, so after he inquired about Benson’s faring, he told me the name and quantity of everything he’d purchased at Sam’s, and then tried to convince me of the benefits of Paul Newman’s salad dressing.
I saw my dad a year ago. Benson and I flew out to Florida to visit him so that he could ask Benson how he’s doing in person, and he tried to send us home, on a plane, with a Sam’s size bottle of the Paul Newman dressing. I didn’t take it, thinking it had a good shot at giving me cancer due to the length of the ingredient list (I have a thing with thinking everything is going to give me cancer).
Finally, do y’all think it’s weird that Kroger sells scarves? Every time I go in there it’s more and more like the mercados in Guatemala where you can buy a combo pack of hot sauce and peanut butter on the same aisle as electric heaters. Anyway, I bought a scarf. I kind of looked around, thinking, I’m doing this. I’m a person who buys clothes at Kroger as I tried it on, trying to act all casual.
To wrap up, it’s possible that I’m paying three cents more per head of kale for the water. I’m kind of okay with it. Instead of Paul Newman dressing, I’m just going to buy olive oil and maple syrup and lemons to make my own, and occasionally, I will purchase wardrobe accessories in the bakery. It’s what I do. So if everyone would just let me do my Kroger thing and I’ll let them do their Kroger thing, we’ll get along just fine. (Oh, and try that Kroger Picture Trick and let me know how much you save on your detergent.)
Categories: This and That
Stuff I Talk About 
You forgot to mention the slap fight/shoving match we witnessed at the Kroger gas station!
There are just so many Kroger stories! I need another blog – CrazyKroger.com
Haha you crack me up! And unless I’m completely mistaken, you bought me a scarf from Kroger like two years ago (so sweet) – I think you helped them want to expand the scarf program! 🙂
Most important Kroger question for me…. what do you think of the live music??
So much to discuss here. Yes, I bought you a scarf too! The live music is neat but I feel bad for the guy. Like, “oh, you landed to kroger gig, huh?” And I feel like I shouldn’t look at them. Like if I look at them I have to drop a dollar in their hat. Any live asda music in London?
I always shake all of my veggies and individually wrap them in paper towel. I can’t stand wet produce and don’t understand why they soak them so much. I can keep my kale fresh up to a week when wrapped in paper towel. I like your take a picture of the sale item, in the past I have had to walk back the isle with the cashier to show them the sale price, your idea is much easier 🙂
I just laughed and spewed tea out of my mouth! Thanks for that, love seeing new posts! 🙂
Denise, do you know how happy that makes me?! Spewing anything out your nose is my biggest goal here.
Ahh! So funny!
:To the tune of London Bridge:
“Just don’t pronounce it Kro-o-gersss, Kro-o-gersss, Kro-o-gersss!
Just don’t pronounce it Kro-o-gersss, like my mom does!”
Ok guys honestly the Kroger gig has got me singing the BLUES BEHIND CLOSED DOORS and I really need a big break to regain my swagger. A man shouldn’t be able to see avocados from behind the mic. #realtalk