On Wednesday evenings Benson and I sit in our living room across from engaged couples and try to convince them that they will one day have the urge to cuss out their spouse and throw their everyday ware across the dining room, and that on that day, they will need to refrain from cussing out their spouse and throwing the everyday ware across the dining room, and instead, calmly talk […]
For the first thirty-two years of my life, I thought I was a quarter Native American. Actually, for the first fifteen years I thought I was a quarter Indian, but sometime in the nineties it became racist to call it that, so I to switched to Native American. I remember my paternal grandmother wearing her hair in long black braids. She was tall and had high cheekbones and a long nose. […]
Things that are Sometimes Sexy and Sometimes Gross: Fingernails, Sexy: Back scratch anyone? Or how about some polish? Or a handy tool for snorting the coke? (Oh kidding). Fingernails, Gross: The clippings my husband left on top of my Glamour Magazine a few months ago. I took a picture of them and texted him the evidence in efforts to shame him into never doing that again. Hair, Sexy: Any hair growing […]
I have such a nice doctor that sometimes I’m totally okay with having sinus infections because it means I get to see Dr. J. I paid him a visit on Friday. I’ve been having chest pains for a few months, plus I’ve had pesky intestines that don’t like to cooperate for most of my life. Turns out, it’s the ole anxiety flaring up again. I listed my ailments involving the […]
I often say to Benson, “Don’t you love our cat?!” to which he always replies, “I like Harold, I don’t love Harold.” Below, I have compiled some pictures of Benson not loving Harold… Here, Benson doesn’t love Harold while he pulls him close and plays the piano for him: This picture depicts Benson not loving Harold while laying on the floor just to be near him after a hard day at […]
I said I wasn’t turning this into a Cultfit Crossfit blog, but hang with me for two paragraphs. So we’ve been doing Cultfit for two and a half weeks now, and for the past three days the coaches have wanted us to figure out our “max” on certain lifts. Like, what’s the all out highest amount of weight I can lift one time for a particular move. I have gathered two bits […]
Sometimes I write stuff that I have daydreams about making into a book one day. (Hey publishers, call me. [insert coy wink]) Here are the first few rough paragraphs from one of those pieces. Once I finish this and hopefully fourteen other essays chronicling my existence, I’ll let you know by begging you to buy my stuff. Matches When I was six, Chad, my older brother by four years, suggested we have a […]
My cat threw up this morning about ninety seconds after he’d finished breakfast. I found it as I was stepping out onto my balcony (balcony makes it sound like I live in a mansion on the sea; I don’t) to water my dying bougainvilleas. There it was, looking like I’d dumped a fresh can of Friskies’ Ocean Treasures directly onto my hardwoods. I stared down at it for a second, […]
A couple of weeks ago at Kroger, I saw a lady patrolling the produce aisle, warning anyone who dared pick up a peach or head of cauliflower, “Don’t pay for water” while she handed them paper towels. I tried to avoid her eyes as I reached for my kale because I didn’t feel like patting down my vegetables as she was instructing everyone else to do, but she spotted me anyway and waved a […]
Is it too soon to get bossy? It’s probably too soon, right? Oh, what the hay! Last night my husband took me out to eat fried cauliflower at Roost. He is in the midst of constructing some sort of large, complex chemical plant that is demanding most of his energy and brain cells these days, so naturally, he talked about pipelines and pumps and vessels and diagrams for a good […]
Stuff I Talk About 