My brother just called me from Atlanta. Brother: Hey, what do you and Benson want for Christmas? Me: What! We haven’t exchanged gifts in like five years! Don’t get us anything. What are you even talking about? Brother: Yeah huh! I bought Benson that camping stove that one time! Me: That was over five years ago! You can’t just throw this on me now! We said five years ago that […]
The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a hamburger tattoo. I noticed it last month as she reached for my card and I was like, “Is that a hamburger tattoo!?” “Yeah,” she answered. “It’s for my dog.” “It’s for your dog?” “Yeah, his name’s Cheeseburger.” Correction: The girl who takes my credit card at my hair place has a cheeseburger tattoo: Maybe I should get […]
On Saturday I opened my home to thirty precious ladies who all had a common purpose: to mingle, eat cake, rub our pregnant friend’s belly, and then watch her unwrap diapers and onesies. After we’d done all that, we paused to lift up this baby and mother to the Lord. Girl’s gonna need some patience over the next eighteen years and there’s only one place to get it. Before we […]
A couple of years ago, Benson and I were getting ready to go to a party when he asked me if I liked his outfit. I looked him up and down. “Your t-shirt has a donut stabbing another donut on the front,” I said, concerned over his fashion choice. “Yeah! I think it’s funny!” he replied, smoothing it down as he looked in the mirror. I continued blow drying my […]
I came in second to last yesterday in CrossFit. The big win was a result of this guy with an injured knee. Do I care? Nope! Ran right past that sucka! After the workout, the loser grabbed his knee in agony and some people crowded around him while I pumped my fist into the air, basking in my victory. Now, off to sign up for whatever class that guy with […]
Whenever anyone wants to tell someone else about something horrible they saw on TV, it always starts with, “I was flipping through the channels…” But when someone wants to talk about something intelligent or super witty they saw on TV, it begins with, “I was watching…” It’s like, “I was just flipping through the channels and I saw this show about girls showing their boobs to strangers…” Oh you’re just […]
I’m getting mixed signals from Kroger: Speaking of confusion, how do pickles have zero calories? Zero calories? Come on now, Mr. Pickle. You’re not a diet Coke, which leaves me baffled as to how you’ve pulled this off: Speaking of pulling the wool over my eyes, remember the produce police I met a few weeks ago? The one who warns the world against paying for water on your cabbage? So […]
