My gym held a competition, and in a moment of glee over having just eaten a really tasty salad, I signed up to compete. When I arrived that morning, everyone was milling around all happy and buzzy, clapping each other on the shoulders and talking about eating eggs for breakfast. Then the coaches called us over to a whiteboard and explained that unfortunately, some of us were about to die. Then […]
Sometimes I write stuff for people who pay me. Sometimes they read my stuff and they’re like, “This is great! Here’s your five dollars!” Other times they read my stuff and they’re like, “Yeah…no.” Here’s one of the latter (with added pictures)… Opportunity Knocked (My Tooth Out) I was almost killed by a dog this morning. “A pit bull?” you ask. Nope. “A Doberman? Surely a Doberman,” you guess. No, […]
When I was four, I got zits on my face. I don’t remember them showing up, but I remember them being there and my parents telling me to quick picking at them. But I was four and still picked my boogers, so while my parents watched MASH, I picked my zits. Another thing happened when I was four. A few thousand miles away from where I sat with my zits, some guys […]
So this guy at our gym almost killed himself. It was my friend Micah. It started because the coaches at our gym noticed that we were all a bunch of lazy slobs and couldn’t do many pull-ups, so they started this pull-up program, which basically means we all have to do a lot more pull-ups these days. For the most part at my gym, I still come in last place […]
Here’s how I do my eye makeup… and offend people. I’m a YouTube star, y’all!
First off, here’s a handy appetizer dish you can bring to a party to ensure everyone will dote on you and claim that you’re clever, and you can be all, “This ole thing? Oh, just an easy recipe! Ha la la!” 1. Chop a pear into thin slices. 2. Smear a glob of spreadable goat cheese or boursin cheese on the pear. 3. Stick an arugula leaf on top of […]
1. We had some landscaping done on the back forty. Before, our property consisted of a nice doo doo pit. Even Cowboy refused to walk on because he was too grossed out by it and would make us walk him down to our neighbors’ grass to poop each night. (Thanks Matt and Sarah! Owe ya one!) Now we have a lovely rock pit that Cowboy is still hesitant about, hence […]
Round two, folks! Since my last post, Benson and I have acquired a roommate. Our roommate is a man. So, while I won’t Facebook message or drink a shot of tequila with another man, apparently I’m totally cool with living with one. (But if that dude walks in the kitchen while I’m eating my oatmeal you better believe I’ll let him HAVE IT.) (Just kidding, Paul! Hope you enjoy your […]
On Friday I received a voicemail. It was a man named Mark who identified himself as a social worker calling from the Memorial City Hospital emergency room. When I called the number back the receptionist asked, “Do you know the patient’s name?” to which I answered in a quivery voice, “No, I don’t know anything.” She put me on hold. While on hold I had the following thoughts: Benson wrecked […]
So we passed our motorcycle test. (Well, Benson passed.) Time to buy a scooter, baby! After an unfortunate trip to a scooter shop in Houston in which Benson test drove one while I buried my face into his back, pleading him to be careful, that I didn’t want to die on the streets and who would feed the dog?, we decided that Benson should be in charge of searching for […]
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