When I was fifteen, I was almost killed by a monster truck named Reptoid at a monster truck rally. I was there with a high school boyfriend we’ll call Hank who had a deep love for large trucks. And since I had a deep love for belonging to cliques, I feigned awe of anything my boyfriends liked back then so that I could sit with their friends at lunch. Therefore, […]
My brother just called me from Atlanta. Brother: Hey, what do you and Benson want for Christmas? Me: What! We haven’t exchanged gifts in like five years! Don’t get us anything. What are you even talking about? Brother: Yeah huh! I bought Benson that camping stove that one time! Me: That was over five years ago! You can’t just throw this on me now! We said five years ago that […]
A couple of years ago, Benson and I were getting ready to go to a party when he asked me if I liked his outfit. I looked him up and down. “Your t-shirt has a donut stabbing another donut on the front,” I said, concerned over his fashion choice. “Yeah! I think it’s funny!” he replied, smoothing it down as he looked in the mirror. I continued blow drying my […]
I came in second to last yesterday in CrossFit. The big win was a result of this guy with an injured knee. Do I care? Nope! Ran right past that sucka! After the workout, the loser grabbed his knee in agony and some people crowded around him while I pumped my fist into the air, basking in my victory. Now, off to sign up for whatever class that guy with […]
I have this idea for work that I wanted to run by you all. Here’s the thing. A lot of you know that I write a blog for a branch of a big mortgage company. But it’s a funny blog and they let me make fun of my co-workers and rarely do I have to even mention mortgages. It’s the most fun job, really. But I have a bigger idea […]
Things that are Sometimes Sexy and Sometimes Gross: Fingernails, Sexy: Back scratch anyone? Or how about some polish? Or a handy tool for snorting the coke? (Oh kidding). Fingernails, Gross: The clippings my husband left on top of my Glamour Magazine a few months ago. I took a picture of them and texted him the evidence in efforts to shame him into never doing that again. Hair, Sexy: Any hair growing […]
I have such a nice doctor that sometimes I’m totally okay with having sinus infections because it means I get to see Dr. J. I paid him a visit on Friday. I’ve been having chest pains for a few months, plus I’ve had pesky intestines that don’t like to cooperate for most of my life. Turns out, it’s the ole anxiety flaring up again. I listed my ailments involving the […]
A couple of weeks ago at Kroger, I saw a lady patrolling the produce aisle, warning anyone who dared pick up a peach or head of cauliflower, “Don’t pay for water” while she handed them paper towels. I tried to avoid her eyes as I reached for my kale because I didn’t feel like patting down my vegetables as she was instructing everyone else to do, but she spotted me anyway and waved a […]
I have stuff to talk about. “What stuff?” you ask. This stuff: Marriage – Once, I refused to make hanky panky with my husband because his parents were visiting. I clutched my pajamas tightly to my chest as I hissed, “They’re right there,” frantically pointing to the next bedroom. Lifestyle – This morning I worked out with my therapist pal, Annie, in her garage. She’s not my therapist, rather my pal […]
Stuff I Talk About 