Stuff I Talk About

by Christina Ledbetter

Sleep

I have this thing I do. It’s totally creepy… Since I was, I don’t know, three, it’s taken me about an hour and a half to fall asleep at night. Once when I was five I actually counted to two hundred my head, then slipped out of bed to my parents’ room and woke them up to share the good news. “I just counted to two hundred!” I whispered. But two years ago, this […]

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The Stages of Cutting Out Sugar and Gluten and Happiness and Corn and Alcohol From My Diet for 45 Days

And the sad part is…I paid twenty bucks to enter this thing, y’all… Day 1: Self-Righteousness I put a sappy post on Facebook about how the children in Rwanda would LOVE to eat a banana and raw almonds for breakfast, so you all better stop complaining, you hear!? Seventy-three likes on my post. Self-righteous feelings swell. I will cut out sugar and gluten and corn and alcohol and red dye […]

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Recognition

My doctor is converting his practice from paper to computer. I had an appointment on Wednesday just to get some prescriptions updated, and once Dr. J called me back to the examination room, he showed me the new contraptions and told me what he liked and what he despised about the whole thing. “Look,” he said. “In order to open this screen, I have to close out every other screen! I can’t even […]

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Hundred Bucks, or Else…

There are missionaries asleep on the first floor of my house. They aren’t the kind with bikes though. (Got a rental car.) Come to think of it, I did let them borrow our bikes to ride to a coffee shop yesterday, so I guess they sort of are the kind on bikes. But definitely not wearing white button ups. Last night as they were getting ready to head to a friend’s house, […]

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Hotel Ledbetter

My fancy lady interior designer finished my bedroom. It now resembles a swanky hotel room that someone decorated just for me. Before we view the finished product, let’s take a gander at my decorating skills prior to hiring a professional. Here, we have a nice beige/brown/pale yellow/more brown/more beige motif. Oh, and then I threw in a hot pink pillow. “We need something that ‘pops’, right?” I said to Benson. “I think […]

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Chase

I got chased by a pit-bull this morning on my walk. And before you all go writing me and telling me how pit-bulls are just as nice as collies but simply misunderstood, please note that when you’re being chased by one in an alley, you don’t much think about the society’s misgivings on this harmless breed. See, there’s this route I take on my walks sometimes when I don’t want to […]

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Brawls

I elbowed my husband in the mouth yesterday morning. It all started because I was dreaming that I was in the midst of the Rwandan genocide of ’94 and about to be killed by a large man in army fatigues. Oh, and I was sitting on a pizza. No clue, people. As the army man walked toward me, I braced myself for the kill, but knew that I would at least die on […]

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Breakfast Concerns

Every morning when, or before, my alarm goes off, my fine cat Harold marches up the stairs to my bedroom to remind me that he will be requiring a tablespoon of Friskies to start his morning off right, just as he has every single other day of his life for his entire life. He does this by simultaneously circling the bed and making a sound like he is experiencing electric shock […]

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Con(text)

I finally finished my taxes (and by “finished my taxes” I mean I finally finished scanning all of my documents and adding up all my expenses to send to a CPA who is actually going to finish my taxes) and I feel like a new woman. Or like, a lioness. In order for me to continue on with any acts of usefulness on this earth, I had to drum up […]

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