My doctor is converting his practice from paper to computer. I had an appointment on Wednesday just to get some prescriptions updated, and once Dr. J called me back to the examination room, he showed me the new contraptions and told me what he liked and what he despised about the whole thing. “Look,” he said. “In order to open this screen, I have to close out every other screen! I can’t even […]
My fancy lady interior designer finished my bedroom. It now resembles a swanky hotel room that someone decorated just for me. Before we view the finished product, let’s take a gander at my decorating skills prior to hiring a professional. Here, we have a nice beige/brown/pale yellow/more brown/more beige motif. Oh, and then I threw in a hot pink pillow. “We need something that ‘pops’, right?” I said to Benson. “I think […]
Benson bought a twenty-dollar coffee table off Amazon and sawed the legs down to about a foot each. Last Friday, I hauled the table to his office (he drives a scooter and we decided strapping a coffee table onto the back would prove unwise), and helped him clear off his desk, position the table on top, and then put everything back onto the table. He says sitting is killing America, so now […]
When I was fifteen, I was almost killed by a monster truck named Reptoid at a monster truck rally. I was there with a high school boyfriend we’ll call Hank who had a deep love for large trucks. And since I had a deep love for belonging to cliques, I feigned awe of anything my boyfriends liked back then so that I could sit with their friends at lunch. Therefore, […]
My brother just called me from Atlanta. Brother: Hey, what do you and Benson want for Christmas? Me: What! We haven’t exchanged gifts in like five years! Don’t get us anything. What are you even talking about? Brother: Yeah huh! I bought Benson that camping stove that one time! Me: That was over five years ago! You can’t just throw this on me now! We said five years ago that […]
A couple of years ago, Benson and I were getting ready to go to a party when he asked me if I liked his outfit. I looked him up and down. “Your t-shirt has a donut stabbing another donut on the front,” I said, concerned over his fashion choice. “Yeah! I think it’s funny!” he replied, smoothing it down as he looked in the mirror. I continued blow drying my […]
I came in second to last yesterday in CrossFit. The big win was a result of this guy with an injured knee. Do I care? Nope! Ran right past that sucka! After the workout, the loser grabbed his knee in agony and some people crowded around him while I pumped my fist into the air, basking in my victory. Now, off to sign up for whatever class that guy with […]
I have this idea for work that I wanted to run by you all. Here’s the thing. A lot of you know that I write a blog for a branch of a big mortgage company. But it’s a funny blog and they let me make fun of my co-workers and rarely do I have to even mention mortgages. It’s the most fun job, really. But I have a bigger idea […]
Things that are Sometimes Sexy and Sometimes Gross: Fingernails, Sexy: Back scratch anyone? Or how about some polish? Or a handy tool for snorting the coke? (Oh kidding). Fingernails, Gross: The clippings my husband left on top of my Glamour Magazine a few months ago. I took a picture of them and texted him the evidence in efforts to shame him into never doing that again. Hair, Sexy: Any hair growing […]
I have such a nice doctor that sometimes I’m totally okay with having sinus infections because it means I get to see Dr. J. I paid him a visit on Friday. I’ve been having chest pains for a few months, plus I’ve had pesky intestines that don’t like to cooperate for most of my life. Turns out, it’s the ole anxiety flaring up again. I listed my ailments involving the […]
Stuff I Talk About 