Stuff I Talk About

by Christina Ledbetter

Why I Won’t Go to Ugly Sweater Parties

A couple of years ago, Benson and I were getting ready to go to a party when he asked me if I liked his outfit. I looked him up and down. “Your t-shirt has a donut stabbing another donut on the front,” I said, concerned over his fashion choice.

“Yeah! I think it’s funny!” he replied, smoothing it down as he looked in the mirror.

I continued blow drying my hair and yelled over it, “I don’t know…my goal in getting dressed isn’t to be funny. I want to look cute.”

“Well I think it’s funny!” he repeated, and continues to wear his donut murder shirt to this day.

I’m going somewhere, folks…

So far this year I have received two invitations to Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties (UCSPs). And so far I have declined both. Because listen, people. My only goal in getting dressed each day is to look cute. And by definition ugly sweater aren’t cute sweaters. And here’s the other thing…I’m totally vain. If I don’t feel at least partially cute, I get all crabby and depressed and end up lying on the couch with tissues and talking about quitting my job and asking Benson if he thinks I’m a total drain on society.

Party People - Edit

It’s the same reason I never dressed up for ’80s day in high school. I remember a girlfriend of mine wearing a Guns ‘N’ Roses shirt and acid jeans on ’80s day with her hair all teased and blue eye shadow and saying she felt ugly, and I was like, yeah, that’s why I’m dressed for the ’90s, which is which decade we’re in. Looking back, I would have looked cuter had I embraced nostalgia week, as my 90s outfits mostly consisted of flannel shirts and wranglers paired with brown lipstick (me-OW!).

So it might be that in twenty years I look back and wished I’d gone to the sweater parties. Like, I’ll look back on what I’m wearing now, and be like, “Skinny cords and a navy crew neck? Barf! Why didn’t I wear baggy red sweatshirts with hot glued ribbons?”

But for now, I’m standing my ground. You all have fun at your ugly parties. Really, I hope it’s a hoot. I’ll be home, wearing my favorite jeans and Anthro scarf while trying to convince Benson to retire the donut shirt.

Categories: This and That

3 replies

  1. Sometimes, I feel like there is a blurred line between “Ugly Christmas Sweater” and “Sweater I Picked Out This Morning.” I think someone is about to get their feelings hurt. “Hey! Nice ugly sweater!” “I wear this every Monday!”

    I, also, don’t like weird clothes days at work, either (at a school). It’s super hard to have authority while you have crazy hair or your shirt is on backwards.

    • You’re so right! One time my boss showed up to a Christmas party with an ugly sweater and we didn’t know if we should laugh or not. Ha! About dressing up for work/school, I have so little authority as it is (read: zero) so I can’t risk giving any of it up!

  2. I have to side with Benson here – a doughnut stabbing another doughnut is pretty darn funny.

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