Stuff I Talk About

by Christina Ledbetter

Stuff That’s Sometimes Sexy and Sometimes Gross

Things that are Sometimes Sexy and Sometimes Gross:

Fingernails, Sexy: Back scratch anyone? Or how about some polish? Or a handy tool for snorting the coke? (Oh kidding).

Fingernails, Gross: The clippings my husband left on top of my Glamour Magazine a few months ago. I took a picture of them and texted him the evidence in efforts to shame him into never doing that again.

Hair, Sexy: Any hair growing out of a woman’s head that isn’t dyed orange.

Hair, Appalling: Any hair that used to grow out of a woman’s head and is now left on the side of the bathtub. If it’s orange it’s double gross.

Earwax, Sexy: Okay, I’m not saying earwax is sexy but you know good and well couples are all the time sticking their tongues in each others ears. I’m not, but other people are, because I’ve seen it in the movies.

Earwax, Nasty: On a Q-tip and left on the counter. Hold on while I puke.

Spit, Sexy: Kissin’!

Spit, Disgusting: Any spit that exits your mouth while you speak. It happened to me once when I used to tutor. There I sat across from three Spanish-speaking fourth graders, trying to explain to them why we have a silent e on the end of all sorts of words, when I accidentally spit. Onto their book. Now, do I acknowledge it? Do I ignore it? What? I decided to acknowledge it, saying, “Woops! Sorry about the spit!” And now those kids are busy telling their high school girlfriends in Spanish about it, the time that reading tutor spit on their book.

Farts, Sexy: Just kidding. Or am I? Below, a card my cousin Robin’s daughter made for her.

farts

Apparently this kid doesn’t think farts are so bad after all. I don’t know if the funniest part is that or where she calls her mom “sweet thing”. Okay, but other than this card we’ll all just say farts are gross.

We can even say it in Spanish.

Categories: This and That

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