Stuff I Talk About

by Christina Ledbetter

Stuff That Happens at the Doctor

I have such a nice doctor that sometimes I’m totally okay with having sinus infections because it means I get to see Dr. J. I paid him a visit on Friday. I’ve been having chest pains for a few months, plus I’ve had pesky intestines that don’t like to cooperate for most of my life.

Turns out, it’s the ole anxiety flaring up again.

I listed my ailments involving the inner workings of my digestive tract and Dr. J. listened and asked questions and jotted notes. Then, while perched on the examination table donned in swaths of paper, I said to him, “I also have a skin thing to ask you about.”

“What is it?” he asked, putting on his stethoscope.

“I’ve had this dry patch of skin on my head for eleven years, and all of a sudden it hit me: What if I’ve had cancer for eleven years?” I answered. (I told y’all I think everything will give me cancer.)

Dr. J. raised his eyebrows, like he was amused and felt sorry for me at the same time. “You would know it if you’ve had cancer for eleven years,” he told me.

“Oh,” I said. “Well I guess that makes sense.”

Then he asked if I wanted to be put on anxiety meds.

“Nah,” I answered, “I mean, I don’t feel like a wreck or anything.”

Dr. J. nodded and said he thought that was best, then wrote me a prescription for my wacked out digestive tract.

So to sum up, I’m cancer free! And I need to chill.

Before I go, Dr. J. has this sign in his bathroom and I think it’s so funny because someone had to order this plaque off the internet:


I imagine most plaque companies are used to engraving things like, “Jordan Malacowovanny, Attorney” into their plaques. And then they get this order and they’re like, “Well, I guess we could do toilet instruction plaques, too?” And then it gives their marketing guy this big idea and he’s all trying to market to people with toilets.

Okay folks, you enjoy your Sunday and I’m off to Google this dry skin to see if it could be linked to the bubonic plague.

Categories: This and That

1 reply

  1. Hope they include a plaque saying “Please jiggle the handle after flushing” 😀

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