I’m teaching a women’s retreat. It’s my first time venturing out of my own church for a speaking gig (“gig” makes it sound like I’ll be playing the bass at a nightclub but I couldn’t think of another word). I asked the gal organizing the retreat to email me a list of those attending so that I could pray over each lady by name. Then I took my idea a […]
At our gym they did this thing where they made us do these four lifts twice a week for months on end. Back Squats: Dead Lifts: Shoulder Press: Bench Press: After, like, 55 weeks of this business, they set aside a couple of days for us to test our new strength. (I needed no test to prove to myself that I wasn’t any stronger, but I went anyway.) Here’s the verdict: Back […]
The Cat Harold has AIDS. That means he might live for another couple of years or he might die next Thursday. I thought it was going to happen last week. He was acting super cuddly. This is it, I thought. He’s saying goodbye. I scooped him into my lap and he pushed his face against my palm. I whispered to him that it was okay, he could go, like I’ve […]
Most days: Oatmeal. Pick up dog poop. Pray. Write. Not write. Curse writing. Pray. Write. Snack. Walk neighborhood dogs and pick up their poop. Salad. Write. Not write. Cook. Talk. Gym. Yesterday: HUGGED A HORSE. Almost cried because I’ve never hugged a horse before. Asked Benson to take pictures of me with the horse. Swam in a swimming hole with my husband and my dogs. Saw three deer. Got bit […]
Sometimes my life flashy and clever and a hoot. Sometimes, it’s not… I have my groceries delivered because I rather enjoy the life of a hermit. When I think about which animal I’d like to be, I think of a fat, hibernating bear in a dark cave. Just sleepin’ his way through the winter, unbothered by any pesky life affairs. Yesterday I didn’t need much, but what I did need managed to […]
The Vet I took all three of my pets to the vet yesterday for checkups (and yes, I need to borrow some cash now because have you ever had three animals vaccinated in one day? Well, don’t.) and my street dog Chief freaked out so much that he BROKE LOOSE FROM HIS COLLAR IN THE PARKING LOT AND RAN AWAY. I got him back by opening the car door, insinuating […]
Fear I’m always afraid of liking stuff on Facebook, because as soon as someone likes something on Facebook, it’s there forever, even if the original thing you liked starts acting crazy. Like, what if I like some news organization and then they post some article like, “Black Lives DON’T Matter.” Then Facebook posts the article and throws in “Christina Edwards Ledbetter Likes This.” And I’ll be all, “NO! They DO […]
On Saturday morning Benson and I went to Memorial Park. After I finished my “run” (imagine a drunk woman quickly staggering from her seat at the bar to the bathroom), I fumbled around on the pull-up bars while I waited on Benson to finish his “run” (imagine the Olympics). “You have a strong upper body,” said a voice. The voice belonged to this dude who’d been doing headstands on park […]
As I was headed out to a bachelorette party last week, Benson jokingly told me to enjoy the stripper. We laughed and I told him how I so don’t understand the idea of male strippers. And that’s when Benson and I came up with an idea that’s going to make us millions. The Bachelorette Party Guy! (Because he knows what women want, and it’s not to have penises flung in […]
When I was five, my older brother Chad developed a scheme. It involved me, an imaginary cussword, and a verbal slavery contract. Before I go into detail, I need you to know that my brother grew up to be a normally functioning human (a LOUDLY functioning human, but functioning nonetheless) and even frowns upon modern-day slavery, unlike his 9-year-old self. He has four kids and a wife and a job […]
Stuff I Talk About 