The Vet
I took all three of my pets to the vet yesterday for checkups (and yes, I need to borrow some cash now because have you ever had three animals vaccinated in one day? Well, don’t.) and my street dog Chief freaked out so much that he BROKE LOOSE FROM HIS COLLAR IN THE PARKING LOT AND RAN AWAY.
I got him back by opening the car door, insinuating that we’d only stopped at the vet for a quick hello through the window – we didn’t even have to go in! – and that we were headed home now. Sucker jumped right in.
Dude needs to chill, that’s all I’m saying.
I think he thought I was surrendering him. The lady who originally found him worked at my vet, so he lived at the vet for a few days before I brought him home to live with me. So I’m pretty sure we pulled up at what he assumes is homeless shelter where they also give you shots and put you under against your will before castrating you, and was like, But I thought this was going well! Why do I have to go back?!
When we got inside (via me carrying him and looking straight like Ouiser from Steel Magnolias and with the same attitude) he started growling at the vet tech. She was talking to him all sweet, and I’m holding him around his chest when I feel a rumble. “I think he’s growling,” I told the woman.
She didn’t hear it and continued the cooing. Chief turned it up a notch. “Oh, yeah I hear it now,” she said, stepping back. “He’s protecting you.”
I didn’t argue with her, but I can tell you right now Chief was in no way protecting me. His only concern was self preservation. I just happened to be there.
Anyway, they’re all vaccinated now and Chief managed to keep his mouth closed the whole time and refrain from biting the tech’s face off. Win!
(But seriously, if y’all wanted to send me a dollar . . . )
The Gym
We had to do this timed workout at the gym – they build it up for months and warned us we might even die. My chest tightened up whenever they’d talk about it. People posted tips for executing the workout on Facebook, so I got off Facebook for a while. So when the day came, I was super proud that I managed to ward off a panic attack AND beat a pregnant lady by four seconds. When I passed her, in my head I was like, “In your FACE! And your BABY’S face!”
And then I felt ashamed for an assortment of reasons.
There’s a reason Jesus had to die: It’s me.
Categories: This and That
Stuff I Talk About 
I have tears in my eyes now from laughing. Where have you been? Your public misses you, lady.