The Ledbetters Out in the Flood Driving to Skinny Ritas in a downpour… Benson (joking): Hey – we should listen to “November Rain”! Wonder if it’s on Boom 92? (Benson turns on radio. Boom 92 is not playing “November Rain” and is instead playing old school rap, because they are an old school rap station and not a 90s rock station.) Christina: Hey! It’s Me So Hony! (Benson laughs. The […]
Cats I got a job writing book reviews, which basically means Harold gets a new bed delivered to the front door every other week. Harold and I both now have our dream jobs. Dogs Have you ever seen on Oprah or something where some lady saw a 20/20 documentary on orphans in Russia and was like, “I saw this boy on the TV and knew he was my son”? And […]
My gym held a competition, and in a moment of glee over having just eaten a really tasty salad, I signed up to compete. When I arrived that morning, everyone was milling around all happy and buzzy, clapping each other on the shoulders and talking about eating eggs for breakfast. Then the coaches called us over to a whiteboard and explained that unfortunately, some of us were about to die. Then […]
Sometimes I write stuff for people who pay me. Sometimes they read my stuff and they’re like, “This is great! Here’s your five dollars!” Other times they read my stuff and they’re like, “Yeah…no.” Here’s one of the latter (with added pictures)… Opportunity Knocked (My Tooth Out) I was almost killed by a dog this morning. “A pit bull?” you ask. Nope. “A Doberman? Surely a Doberman,” you guess. No, […]
The YouTube camera crew came back to my bathroom again… And here’s how Kroger lipstick becomes Nordstrom lipstick.
When I was four, I got zits on my face. I don’t remember them showing up, but I remember them being there and my parents telling me to quick picking at them. But I was four and still picked my boogers, so while my parents watched MASH, I picked my zits. Another thing happened when I was four. A few thousand miles away from where I sat with my zits, some guys […]
So this guy at our gym almost killed himself. It was my friend Micah. It started because the coaches at our gym noticed that we were all a bunch of lazy slobs and couldn’t do many pull-ups, so they started this pull-up program, which basically means we all have to do a lot more pull-ups these days. For the most part at my gym, I still come in last place […]
The other night while I washed dishes, Harold the cat was busy sleeping on the couch, and Benson was busy cuddling him. “Harold, what do you smell like?” Benson asked, rubbing Harold’s armpits. I called from the kitchen, “He smells good! I smell him all the time – he’s like…like, warm and soft smelling.” “You’re right! He smells nice,” he said, burrowing his nose into Harold’s belly. “Do you want to […]
Time: 6:13 AM, Thanksgiving Day Place: Benson and Christina’s bathroom Setting: Benson is in the bathtub whistling. Christina is at the bathroom counter simultaneously applying makeup, brushing her teeth, packing, and making a mental note of things she needs to remind the dog-sitter. They need to leave for the airport in 32 minutes. In the past, this has always been Benson’s ideal time to question Christina’s political stance on the libertarian […]
Got ourselves a three-parter, folks! Part 1: The Mess on the Streets A few weeks ago, as my pal Annie and my dog Cowboy and I were out on a walk on the Nicholson Hike and Bike Trail, this lady stops us and starts gushing over Cowboy. And I’m all beaming. And she’s all, “Oh, youah dog looks just like Wot-ah-mess!” Huh? Neither Annie or I could understand her thick […]
Stuff I Talk About 